i wrote this letter to my son last week. and the letter ended up being about both my children. and everything else. this love, this pining away for right now, is why i take pictures…i want to see it. i want to remember as i breathe. this is where i start, this very real and deep place, before i pick up a camera. these glimpses into eternity.
“again and again, driving on a lonely moonlit road, or walking in a warm, murmurous night, i hear that voice singing that common song like an angelic memory.”
– kenneth rexroth
this is the love letter you would write.
talking about you means talking about the collective you. she is the sun you orbit and you are her little earth. there is gravity between you. there is no air, only love.
“you are MY girl”, you say. you are lassoed to her. you tell her stories with a voice that comes from deep within you, with our your trying and concentration, utterly sincere, an open window. the names you make up for her, they stick; we all use them now. your love and all of it’s gifts are like magnets as she comes to you, her heart open, never able to resist. you save the best for her, and she gives you her time and imagination in every single breath. when i watch you together, i swear i see you growing, the synapses forming, your eyes getting bigger and wiser and more hungry. you are reaching toward her light.
i want to tell you something else, my little heart. she was the map to the way i love you. when you came to me, i knew how big this was going to get. i knew how close i would want you forever, and the love you would make like magic. she was right there with me falling in love with you before you were born into this crazy world. and you were really born in our hearts, as she talked to my belly and kissed you every night. she imagined you into being, she missed you before you were here, and you only made her world more real and full. you are loved by the most beautiful soul i have ever met, and loved purely, with grace and devotion and freedom.
all of the times a day when i have to catch my breath, when you overtake my heart, when i have to pull you close to prove you are real…your sister understands. the awe is everywhere, it is woven into our souls, we love whoever you are, we love the beautiful mirror you provide us. you help us both stay young, curious, new, expectant. you give us these glimpses into eternity.
you are the parentheses in the chaos that the world becomes when we look too far. with every quirky question, and spontaneous dance, your perfectly timed jokes and the way you know when a hug will wash over it all, you are building our faith. just yesterday, i kept noticing the way you run everywhere, using your whole body, twisting with the sweetest rhythm. i thought to myself, “this will not last.” it hit me like a wave of fear and gratitude and stopped me in my fragile tracks. because none of this will last. we may end. we will. but these parts of us, these graceful movements and progressions in our lives, they matter. the beauty of love’s particularities make it all unique, compelling, and so very worth the stirrings of our souls.
my two notes in perfect, living harmony, dancing inside me, holding hands, pulling my heart outside of my body, where it belongs, right where i found it. with you it was born. you are one heart.
i love you more than the world,
your forever mommy